When is it not the right time for tarot…

Sometimes using our cards just isn't what we need

(This post comes with a slight trigger warning as I share my experiences with anxiety)

Much like the moon, I go through phases with my tarot practice. I think it’s fair to say that we all do. It’s only natural for it to wax and wane, ebb and flow, alongside our lives. Sometimes I’ll go through periods of using my cards every day… sometimes the box of my beloved deck will gather a thin layer of dust.

This is all ok by the way, as I am not in the habit of forcing myself to do anything. By allowing myself the spaciousness to reach for my cards when it feels right, this has prevented obligation, pressure and expectation from creeping in and I now only use my cards when I ‘feel like it’ rather than because I ‘should’.

However, I have found that there are times when using my tarot cards has not been in my best interest. One of these times occurred at the weekend.
These moments tend to arise when I am so up in my head, and not at all connected to my body or felt-sense, that I am reaching, grasping, clawing in desperation for my cards to give me an answer that I simply cannot reach by myself, because I am so wrapped up in my mind. Here’s what went down…

Last weekend I experienced probably one of my worst anxiety attacks ever, all about a guy I’m dating. It seems so silly and trivial but I was triggered as f*ck due to my delightful array of abandonment issues. So fun. It wasn’t really about him at all; as we all know, our relationships with others (in any capacity) are a mirror into ourselves, highlighting our traumas and wounds etc etc. However I wasn’t expecting to feel such an intense trigger so soon into meeting someone.
(It’s also not lost on me that we’re in a very heightened period astrologically at the moment with the eclipses!)

I tried to work through my all-consuming anxiety with the tools I had in my belt… lots of journalling, a walk in the woods, meditating whilst my daughter and dog busied themselves around me, drinking camomile tea by the bucket load and generally attempting to be forgiving towards myself. But nothing was easing it.

With every thought that popped up, I would pull a card to help me unravel these terribly unsettling feelings that were washing over me like towering waves. I needed to make it make sense. I was desperate. I wanted answers as to what the hell was going on and why. My mind was racing and I couldn’t slow it down. I couldn't eat without retching, I had 3 hours of broken sleep, my mouth was bone dry, I was clammy and shivery.
I wanted my cards to tell me why this was happening, to tell me what to do, to tell give me all the answers, to tell me it was going to be ok, to tell me anything that would help me feel better.
But the truth is, our tarot cards simply cannot do that. And here’s why…

I wholeheartedly believe that we have the right, as innately imperfect beings, to show up to our decks as real and raw as possible. We do not need to be calm or centred (although thats lovely too) to pull cards for ourselves.

Having said that, our cards and the readings they deliver are based solely on us and our energy in that moment. They are an external reflection of what is going on internally within us. They extend our energy outwards into physical form for us to read, decipher and explore.

In other words, yes they can uncover truths from our depths bringing them to the surface to be witnessed… but they cannot give us answers, especially not in the epicentre of an anxious episode.

I was attempting to use my cards in such a hectic, ungrounded, disembodied state that there was no way I was going to be able to receive what I craved. Even if the cards had revealed all the secrets and answers to my problems, I was not in a place to absorb it anyway. By being so wrapped up and locked within the confines of my mind, I wouldn’t have been able to truly comprehend what was being shown to me.

So then, what could I have done differently?
Drop into my body. Feel what needed to be felt. Sit with whatever was coming up first, despite how overwhelming it might’ve felt, and move forward from there.
By pulling cards whilst only being connected to my chaotic mind, I was never going to be able to receive the wisdom and medicine I truly needed and desperately hoped for.
I needed to come back to my body, listen to my heartbeat, breathe a little deeper. I needed to ground into the physical, feel the surface beneath me, the air on my skin, the fluffiness of my socks, the softness of my daughter’s hand resting gently on my arm.
Then, if it felt right, pull cards from that place (but, honestly, it’s unlikely I would’ve done)

I believe tarot to be an embodiment practice and by this I mean, it helps to stir up buried feelings within our bodies so that we can witness and connect with the physical sensations around those those feelings. Tarot helps us feel. Because to heal it, you have to feel it.
The reverse is also true though; to be able to truly and deeply drop in to a powerful and potent tarot practice, we have to be somewhat grounded within our bodies first, even if that means simply taking a deep breath.

Luckily, this situation passed as quickly as it arrived and although it took me a while to regulate myself again, I can now reflect on the cards I pulled during this time and smile fondly at what they were telling me…

The Chariot - “time to step out of this mindset you’re in, let’s put these beliefs that are triggering you down once and for all, shall we?”
9 of Wands reversed - “you are resisting rest darling, tend to yourself in the midst of this chaos”
6 of Pentacles - “something is out of balance here my love, have you been giving more of yourself away than you have to spare?”
The Hanged One reversed - “do not fight this, try to soften and surrender into what you are being shown, its all ok”
King of Wands - “however take control of your energy, and lets have a check in of where your energy levels are at”
The Hermit - “don’t forget that the inner light of truth exists within you, follow that”

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I wish I had a more succinct way of closing this piece but I am just about to head out of the door to take this to my therapists velvet sofa. I believe it is so important to seek professional support when moving through big, intense themes like this. If any of this has brought something up within you, I invite you to do the same.

Thank you for reading and, as always, your comments and feedback are always so welcome.
With so much love and gratitude, Kerry xo