Returning to softness

How a challenging February brought about a gentle redirection

I don’t know about you but February has felt about 537 days long.
I actually despise the early year narrative; of months dragging on for eternity, constant complaining about the weather and don’t even get me started on ‘blue Monday’.
But honestly, this month has felt like a total slog.

This is mostly due to the fact our household has been subjected to what feels like a year’s worth of illness in just a few weeks; a sickness bug, ongoing sniffles/coughs and a head cold that simply won’t quit. My little one basically crawled out of her classroom at the end of term, bursting into tears in my arms, whilst the rain pelted us. The grey gloom of a mild, wet Winter was also taking its toll mentally.

Ever the curious, I pondered on whether this season of Winter, the internal as well as the external, was here to show me anything.
At first, I resisted putting any sort of meaning or ‘spiritual significance’ to this month being so difficult. Perhaps I was just ill because it was ‘about time’. Perhaps I was struggling because I’d been overdoing it or been too busy or too stressed. Perhaps there was nothing being shown to me at all, it just was it was.

Whilst all of this was probably also true, finding meaning in challenging times brings me some comfort. Knowing that adversity isn’t happening ‘just for the sake of it’ makes it feel… worthwhile somehow.

But the ‘aha moment’ came whilst chopping mushrooms for breakfast; my jaw clenched tightly, rushing frantically to peel and chop, my mind wandering off to some random thing or another whilst holding a sharp implement.
Then I caught myself.
Why on earth was I chopping these mushrooms (arguably the softest of foods to chop) so aggressively? Why was my jaw clenched so tight? Why was I thinking about planning lunch when I was preparing breakfast?
So I took a deep breath and slowed right down, taking great care whilst chopping the spongey fungi. Then I realised that this fraught, frantic way of living had permeated the rest of my existence too.

I find myself in a phase of life right now where living with softness is my top priority; I wish to move through my days slowly and easefully, with gentle awareness and loving devotion to myself and my surroundings.
But my goodness, I had absolutely not been embodying that lately.

I had become that parent who barked at her child to “just hurry up”. I scrubbed moisturiser into my face. I blindly moved from place to place without knowing how I got there. I walked so fast my lower back protested with twinges. I forgot to breathe (but also mostly couldn’t due to severe congestion...)

But no, no more.
Softly softly does it darling.

This month, and all its germ-ridden challenges, has redirected back to ways of softness. Being poorly helps to slow us down (mostly by force) but also to reprioritise what’s important because you have little capacity for anything else, and in my case, my priorities are moving lightly, slowly, respectfully, intentionally through my days (with a sprinkle of magic in there too if possible).
I’m reminding myself that it’s ok for my daughter to take her time putting her shoes on. I’m drawing little hearts on my cheeks with my moisturiser. I’m slowing my steps. I’m letting my jaw hang open a little. I’m trying to remember to feel the air expanding my lungs. I’m on a quest to rediscover my whimsy and the magic that I felt last year.

When choosing a slow-lived life, it isn’t a one and done deal. It takes practice and patience, as well as a continuous rerouting back to ourselves when things go astray. It’s also pausing to ask the question “what is this situation trying to teach me?” The answer will likely circle back to the fact that perhaps we haven’t been living in alignment with, or embodying, the principles and values we wish to live by.

So as tough as February was (it all began on February 1st with the arrival of Imbolc), I’m grateful to have been (not so gently) guided back to a level of softness and slow simplicity that I had subtly lost sight of.
(Having said that, me oh my, am I looking forward to Spring! The below photo was taken after a sunny walk around my local area and honestly, I felt such a wave of euphoria that tears filled my eyes. Featuring a kind gift from a cherry tree!)

My love, how’s life been for you recently? I’d love to know how you’re doing…