In a threshold of my own making

Sitting with the Son of Wands and the Spring Equinox...

Lately, I have been craving, oh so deeply, to return to my keyboard and write here. So I am showing up today, after an extended absence, sipping my soothing night-time tea, thoughts whirring, a little raw during my premenstrual phase and with a tender heart.

Only just now, in this place of quiet tenderness, have I been able to see and acknowledge just how downhearted and lost I feel at the moment.
If you will grant me, I’d love to spill some words here…

On the eve of the New Year, I found myself shivering and shuddering, muscles aching, huddled in bed with the flu. I hadn’t felt that poorly in since my mid-twenties crash and burn.
Welcoming in a New Year is one of my favourite things and I tend to honour it with a few simple rituals, watching the London fireworks on tele and seeing family. But this year, none of that happened.

The closing of 2024 felt like it should be poignant.
It was a ground-shaking year. I left my marriage, moved out of the family home, found myself a new place to live and made it into a home and got a job after being a full-time mum for 3 years, all whilst co-parenting a beautifully high-spirited daughter and you know, attempting to heal myself etc etc.
However, in the haze of a high fever, the threshold of 2024 into 2025 completely passed me by. There was nothing I could do but allow it to do so. I didn’t have the energy to pull myself out of bed, let alone pull my annual year ahead spread or journal on my yearly intentions.

I took it as a sign though. It was meant to be. This was ok.

This was ok because I could welcome the Spring Equinox and astrological new year in just a few months. I could start again then.

As the 20th of March approached, I began to feel the excitement brewing expectantly in my body. This was it. My new beginning. I could finally close the door on 2024 and move forward in my new life, without looking back.

I had rearranged plans and set aside a good few hours, whilst my daughter was at pre-school, to pull my elaborate 13 card spread, journal, meditate, sip cacao and listen to a workshop I’d been saving.
Then, in the early hours of Thursday morning, my daughter awoke, her unicorn pyjamas soaked through with sweat, and she vomited. I spent the night tending to her and we stirred on the morning of the Equinox bleary eyed as the bright spring sunshine poured through the cracks in the curtains.

I did what I could to honour the day; when my daughter felt up to it, we drew daffodils at the dining table and she watched me plant a few seeds in the garden. I journaled a little and made us some cacao to share, which has become a sweet ritual of ours lately. We both napped (twice) and watched films in ‘the cinema’ aka my bed.
It was simple but also quite lovely, though in the back of my mind, loomed the thought… this was the day I had been holding out for, had set aside, pinned so much hope on and, yet again, I had to let it simply slip through my fingertips.

Of course, at the time, caring for my sick babe was priority and I had no qualms in releasing all I had wanted to do.
However sitting in reflection, I can’t help but feel somber about the whole thing. Not that I didn’t get ‘my day’ to do the practices and rituals I had planned, but because of how much this day signified, the weight it carried, what it meant to me.
I am just so desperate to close the chapter of 2024, and the years prior to it. I want to move on. I want to bury its ashes deep in the ground so that I can rise from it. And I believed this was my chance to do that.

Naturally, I pulled a card around all that was coming up and received Son of Wands.
Something about this card rubs me up the wrong way. Perhaps it’s the unapologetic boldness of it and how it asks us to ignite the spark of our most authentic self… and then shine that into the world *cue dramatic eye roll*.
I then realised that this was one my theme cards for 2024. Here it was again, smugly reminding me that this wasn’t over. I put the card back in the deck, reworded my question and shuffled. Then. pulled. it. again.
(This is the kind of thing that keeps me coming back to tarot; the unexplainable moments that leave me in total shock and awe and that shatter every ounce of my scepticism.)

I’m still not entirely clear what this card is asking me to do, or be, if anything at all. Perhaps I have lost my way within myself and this is my beacon back home. Perhaps I’m being encouraged to find my spark again. Perhaps is is a reminder that I do have enough energy to move into the world now, post-breakup.
Who knows… but the card is now sat proudly on my altar space so that I can keep pondering on it.
(Any thoughts or insights you have on this card are most welcomed!)

So it would appear the Universe has other ideas for me and that there is more work to be done, perhaps lessons to be learnt, before my journey with 2024 comes to a close.
I don’t believe this is as simple as finding closure when the divorce is final or when the house has sold. I think this work lies within me. Something within me needs concluding before I can walk forward, into a threshold of my own making. This has been a humble reminder for me that I do not require a specific day or moment, I can do this when I am ready. I trust the timing of all this.

I can feel myself being pulled forward into a new enticing season, yet the whispers on the breeze are saying
“not yet darling, not yet”.
As in nature, it is ok to go at my pace and take my sweet time. Not everything blooms at once.

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Thank you so much for reading. As always, I would love to hear what comes up for you, how you are and if you have any musings that you’d like to share with me. Your presence here means an awful lot to me xo