Honouring a sacred pause

...and welcoming a slow return.

Firstly, phew, does it feel good to be back writing here; clicking ‘+ new post’ and eagerly tapping out my words in Serif. There is something so comforting about this virtual place and I’ve missed it dearly.

So where exactly have I been? Let me start from the beginning…

My word for the year is T E N D.
I didn’t quite expect this word to present itself so prominently so soon but since the moment the clock hit midnight on a new year, I have been called to deeply tend to myself, as I navigate the upheavals of a breakup; moving house, starting a new job, setting up a co-parenting schedule and basically beginning my life over. (It is no coincidence that my card for February is The Fool because this gal has been jumping off cliff edges into the unknown left right and centre over here…)

This year has been super intense so far… but the good kind. The kind where I know and feel I am being led somewhere (unlike last year which was relentless with little to no clarity or outcomes). And this kind of intensity is pretty taxing to say the least so recently I have been prioritising the basics of life; eating well, drinking water (why is this so hard!?) getting enough sleep and calming my frazzled nervous system as it attempts to process all the changes going on, whilst also parenting an energetic and incredibly chatty three year old.
This has meant I’ve had no space for anything other than surviving and simply getting through each day. Creativity, writing, tarot and most of my practices have fallen by the wayside lately… and I have graciously let them do so.

Rewind a few years and this would not have been the case. I would have been berating myself for not ‘keeping up’ with my practices and ‘routines’, feeling guilty and like I was failing. Failing who or at what? No idea. But I have since realised that caring for myself in the simple, basic ways that I have been recently, ARE rituals.

I have been in sacred ceremony with myself. Tending to my ‘self’ in such basic forms is providing the foundation on which I can build and grow my new life.

I have given myself permission to slow and rest, rather than pushing through. I have pressed pause on all the things that can wait, just for a little while, whilst I read Eat Pray Love (for the second time) by candlelight under a weighted blanket with a cup of calming herbal tea. I have devoured my stash of pre-cooked freezer meals. I’ve walked in the woods, noticing how adorable snowdrops are. When the sun shines, I have smiled and turned my face to it, as I felt its warmth. I’ve been meditating daily and taking the fullest breaths than I have done in a long time. All while wearing my comfiest, cosiest jumpers of course.

If I am being completely truthful to myself, another reason why my tarot practice has fallen away recently is because there is so much that I am just not ready to face yet. I don't want to look within right now. I am the ‘monkey with hands over eyes’ emoji. Maintaining a basic level of regulation for myself has been the priority, not delving in to the depths of my heartbreak. I haven’t had the capacity to process, or even really hold, my emotions lately so I’ve consciously chosen not to feel them right now, bookmarking them to revisit later. Or maybe not, who knows.

Tarot is a beautiful, healing resource but my goodness can it be confronting at times. And sometimes I just don’t have the capacity for it, and that’s ok. My vibe right now is gentleness and ease, expending the smallest amount of effort possible. And pulling cards has felt like it requires a certain effort that I haven’t been able to spare.

With that being said, having my year ahead spread as a guiding anchor has been so supportive. Like I mentioned, February’s card is The Fool and January’s was The Daughter (Page) of Wands; both such wonderfully innocent, excitement filled cards. These cards have been serving as a reminder that the fire of inspiration within me is still lit, even though it may be dim at the moment.
(If you haven’t done a ‘year ahead spread’ yet, it’s never too late. It doesn’t need to be the beginning of the year or a birthday or a new moon for you to use this spread)

As I begin to settle, ground and integrate into my new home, I am beginning to feel some spaciousness returning. The fact that I am here, writing this to you, is testament to that. I can sense the past season of my inner winter is coming to a close and the anticipation of something new is stirring under the soil, ready to bloom. Soon. Until then, I want to extend my utmost love and gratitude to you for being here and sticking by me. I appreciate you so much.

With endless love,
Kerry xo

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