Beltane medicine from the Ace of Cups

I woke up naturally with the sunlight on Wednesday morning (child-free) in my freshly washed cotton bedsheets. I stayed snuggled in bed, scrolling on my phone, replying to messages, jotting down notes etc. until around 9am, only rising to satiate my growling stomach with a bowl of comforting porridge. My mind was buzzing, alive with inspiration and ideas, and I felt so ready to do it all. Or so I thought…

Before I knew it, it was mid-morning. The bliss suddenly shifted into blind panic. Where was the time going? I only had 2 hours left until I needed to collect S from nursery… and had an epically long to-do list (that didn’t feel quite so long when I woke up at 7:30am with plenty of time on my hands) which included some much needed rest and self-care time, as well as the desire to get started on the abundance of ideas that had been popping into my head since waking.

So I cracked on. I ran myself a bath with all the trimmings; salts, candles, a face mask, but rather than, quite literally, soaking it all in, I ended up doing admin tasks on my phone. I also needed to meditate but made it short as I didn’t have time for a longer one (there’s so much irony in this statement that I’m chuckling at myself). With the sense of anxiety and frantic energy increasing, I then began rushing around ticking things off my list, whilst simultaneously adding several more.

With 20 minutes to spare before charging out of the door, I made some cacao and grabbed my journal to tune into the energy of Beltane (another thing on my to-do list of course).

I wrote that I felt an internal urgency, like I was chasing something but never reaching or catching it. I felt brimming with ideas and inspiration, passion even. Yes, it seemed I was experiencing the distilled essence of Beltane energy… but with too much heat, speed and intensity (this brings 8 of Wands vibes to mind).
In truth, the external fiery energy of Beltane didn't truly correspond to what I was experiencing internally; which was a need to slow down and honour the fact I was approaching my inner winter on day 29 of my cycle.
During my (incredibly short) meditation, I was guided to visualise a flower opening in my heart space. I saw a rose, in a deep red. I also saw/felt a fire, burning brightly, but with such a fierceness that it was raging through and destroying all that I no longer needed to carry, transmuting my unwanted baggage to ash and dust. The warning it came with though, was that I should be careful not to get caught in the blaze and be burnt up too.

I knew something had to shift. I couldn’t leave the house and pick up my daughter feeling so chaotic and ungrounded, as that would make for a very tantrum-filled afternoon, mostly from my side. So I sat in this, albeit very brief, moment of stillness and pulled a card…

With the appearance of the Ace of Cups, I felt instantly soothed, like drinking a cool glass of milk for a bad case of heartburn. This was the exact medicine and reminder that I needed that to truly ‘fill my cup’, aka love and cherish myself deeply, I needed to slow down and calm down.

I was in one of those heightened states where it’s easy to spiral yet hard to break out of. I kept going and pushing through, attempting to fulfil tasks to top up my inner cup but that resulted in feeling even more depleted. Because of this urgent, frantic energy, none of the ‘self-care’ tasks I had set out to do were really doing any good and were actually having the opposite effect. By unconsciously rushing around to do these seemingly kind and loving things for myself, I was in fact, not showing myself much care or reverence at all.

The Ace of Cups was the gentle, yet firm hand on my shoulder reminding me to stop and take a look at what loving myself truly means.
Was I showing myself love and devotion by moving through my day in this manner? I think not.

Even though I so wanted to channel all these creative ideas, I simply did not have the internal energy or capacity for them. They were burning too hot for me to hold. And the cooling, calm waters of the Ace of Cups told me it was ok to put them down. This water wasn’t dowsing or extinguishing the flames, just taming them. For now. Until I was ready to stoke them again.

How did Beltane feel for you? As you can tell, it felt pretty intense for me so I’d love to know what came up for you.

Oh and just to close, I picked up S from nursery and we stopped for an ice cream at a local woods on the way home. I hadn’t intended to stay but she insisted on eating her ice cream whilst walking amongst the trees and bluebells. She knew exactly what we both needed after a busy morning. We spent two hours wandering and playing, collecting pine cones to make a pretend Beltane bonfire, and were even blessed with a visit from a beautiful buck who simply stared at us before slowly disappearing into the trees. I closed the day welcoming my bleed and a complete shift in energy.