After the riot... comes the quiet
And holding myself during the in-between
Hello sweet love.
Today I write to you from my (tiny very suburban) garden, lounged in my obscenely orange camping chair, post-woodland walk. The sun is pleasantly warming my face and my black leggings are soaking in the heat but the hairs on my arms are still standing to attention with the slight chill on the breeze.
Not quite vest top weather, not quite jumper weather.
Not quite winter, not quite summer.
We are in the transitional season, the in-between.
I am also in-between.
As I enter the final stages of the divorce process, I feel… Not quite single, not quite married.
On March 19th, the day before the Spring Equinox, we received the email saying that we could now apply for our ‘final order’. I felt elated with the timing, I could enter a new season with a new start.
But due to some delays, we weren’t able to finalise it.
On the same day, I pulled a card which has remained with me since…
S u r r e n d e r
The first words in the guidebook (written by the incredible
“After the riot, comes the quiet”
These words have been echoing through my mind almost daily.
This short, sweet sentence perfectly encapsulated my experience over the last several months.
The past few years have felt like a subtle riot; not loud, aggressive or in my face…but more an overstimulating chaos within myself, an internal, unsettling commotion. And whilst I know it could’ve been much worse… it’s also been a lot.
After the separation, I went into survival mode. I found a new place to live, got a job after 3 years out of work to raise my daughter and applied for state benefits. I had to make it work, for me and my girl. And I did. I am.
I was in this state of surviving for over 6 months. Then came the quiet.
After months of living on adrenaline, around Autumn time, came the comedown. It wasn’t a dramatic crash as such, more a steady decline into a forced state of quietness.
Here’s a brief summary of the phases that showed up…
* The initial “huh, I’m not quite feeling myself” (expertly accompanied by dating a guy who was/is fantastic but neither us of were in a place to actually date…)
* The mid-Winter “I cannot reply to one single Whatsapp right now”
* The early-Spring “hey, I’m feeling a bit better, let’s go out in the world”
* And finally, the “oh shit, it’s all too bright and loud, time to hibernate again”
Interwoven in all this has been a sense of grieving. At the height of ‘the quiet’, the grief and sadness felt so consuming and heavy. It washed over me like a towering wave, clenching my heart until tears were squeezed from my eyes.
These moments are more fleeting and less frequent now; the waves come and then the waters retreat and I continue on. Learning to make space for these emotions has been a huge lesson within itself.
Where you find me now is in a gentle emergence.
The leaves are slowly unfurling but most are still curled up tightly. I feel the same. Parts of me are beginning to unfurl, stretch and open… but most of me is still very much inwards.
I keep seeing a mental image of a curled up dormouse. In fact, I even drew it...
I already had a sense that this wasn’t my year to ‘bloom’.
Despite feeling slightly more uplifted recently, as I tentatively poke my head out from my hibernation hole, I don’t think 2025 is the year for excitedly charging forward post-divorce.
These first months have felt sluggish. Perhaps this year will continue to feel in-between, even as the seasons shift. Therefore, all I can do is continue to love, support and nourish (my word for 2025) myself as best I can and hold myself through it.
I’m curious to know, how are you feeling? How has the start of this year been for you?
Side note; I feel a bit of a fraud having the word ‘tarot’ in the name of my publication when I rarely seem to reference it these days. This is a true reflection of my personal practice though… I am writing endless pages in my journal but the cards aren’t calling to me right now. And that’s ok. (*repeats to self)
But, is that ok? Does it matter to you?
With that being said, I am so grateful to you for getting this far and reading my words. I still feel a huge sense of imposter syndrome writing here but typing out my thoughts is like a form of therapy to me. So thank you.
I see you 🧡💫
Ahhh love, I see you in this space and it’s beautiful and inspiring to read your words about it. I couldn’t care less if you never spoke about tarot again because I’m here to read your words and whatever flows for you. I feel so much less drawn to my cards currently too. Every now and then I will sit with them but for the most part I just want to be still or quiet, or in nature. I’m definitely feeling this year is a foundational year in many ways… nourishing, fortifying, preparing… re-aligning and also some deep deep healing that I haven’t had the energy to approach before. Holding you through this lovingly. Xxx